I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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