I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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