I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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