I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Sorry my hands just texted you
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
