I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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