I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
