i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
