I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
