it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
