after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
