I just threw up on my dentist
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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