shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
that is very illegal...i love you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
