so that wasnt chicken after all
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
