Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
