I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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