I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
