He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
