I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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