Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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