I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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