i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
