I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
