you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
