i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
