oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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