she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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