a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
