Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
