I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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