You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
