I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
