I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
