I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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