I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
