I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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