I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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