never play flip cup with pint glasses
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
