she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
