So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
