I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
