cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I will be naked everywhere
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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