It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
