I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
