I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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