someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
