Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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