Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
