i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
smell my finger.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
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