Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
