yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
